Dear Mother Nature,
First off, let me tell you, I’m a real fan of your work. The earth? nice one. The oceans? so pretty. The rain forest I live in? stunning. But seriously lady, you gotta lay off the sauce. Your drinking has become a problem. It’s affecting your life and now it’s affecting MINE!
According to the TeeVee, it is supposed to be -8C (17F) here in Vancouver today. -15 (5F) with the wind chill. NEGATIVE FIFTEEN?! Mother Nature! What the BARK are you thinking?! ARE YOU DRUNK?!
It is February 25. It is *supposed* to be SPRING! This time last year, we had to make our own snow because you wouldn’t send us any when we were hosting the world’s most awesome Winter Olympics. This time last year, everydoggy in the world came over to play and it was warm enough to wear t-shirts in the streets! (It was quite the shocker for those travellers who though they were coming to the frozen tundra and packed their parkas!). This time last year, it was gorgeous.
Wasn’t it just three weeks ago that overgrown rats all over North America declared it an “early Spring”? FIND ME THAT GROUNDHOG! He made me a promise of an early Spring and I’mma whoop his vermin rodent butt for his emotionally damaging lies! I can’t take anymore winter!!
So here we are, it’s supposed to be “spring” and you are holding us all hostage, threatening to freeze my balls off. Bsh Please! I don’t know why you are such a bitter and angry lady, but put on some Alanis, snarf a cookie and RAISE THE TEMPERATURE ALREADY! I live in Vancouver. I demand West Coast Spring weather.
And while I am on that topic:
You are a great town. Too beautiful to describe, fun filled, energetic and unique. You are LITERALLY, the BEST in the WORLD. But I am worried about you. You have fallen in with a bad crowd. You can’t expect to keep your grades up if this continues.
You just can not keep hanging out with the likes of Wisconsin, Minnesota or Massachusetts. They are bad news. There is nothing in their future but snow, snow and more snow. We do not need states like that in our lives.
Why can’t you hang out with those nice states that we are all so fond of? California is nice? Florida is lovely? I hear Arizona is gorgeous this time of year? These are all nice states with warm weather and fun in the sun. I wish you could be more like them.
Please try. It would mean so much to me. And maybe talk to Mother Nature about it. If you get enough Tequila in her, she just rev it up and make you hot, Vancouver.
Until then, I (Kolchak Puggle) will be snuggled in my blankie, by the fire, keeping my balls toasty warm and maybe sipping a bowl of hot chicken broth. It’s a cold, cold world out there, my friends.