It really is a Dog’s Life.
I mean, here I am, an outstandingly intelligent puggle who could realistically take over the world, if I wanted to and what happens? Ii get saddled with a Mama who has all the common sense of a coffee can. For serious, that woman is starting to get on my last nerve.
Take last night for example.
There I was, jonesin’ for a walk. Who cares if I had just played Fetch It Yourself
in the yard? What does it even matter that we had just
had company who showered me with attention and affection? Is it my problem
that this Job fellow had spent the week trying to see how far he could push the Mama before she collapsed? WOOF NO!
*I* wanted to go for a walk.
I tried patiently sitting at the Mama’s feet and gazing longingly into her eyes. Nothing. I trying sitting under our leashes, hanging on their totally disturbing “decapitated dog bum” hooks.
For woof sakes, look at those hooks.
Aren’t they creepy? Just what did the Mama do with the other half of those dogs? Am I the only one viewing these as a thinly veiled threat?
I doubt it.
On the other hand, see that bag hanging off my leash? It’s totally awesome.
It’s designed to hide your poops, so your people don’t have to walk around with one of those thin plastic bags that is clearly a bag of crap. Everyone should have one of these leash bags from 4 Black Paws. Click here to check it out!
So there I am, sitting under those scary-as-woof hooks, whimpering occasionally for good measure… and nothing.
The Mama just ignores me. What. the. Bark?! What can she even be doing that is more important than my evening walk? How is it that after almost five years living in this house, my Mama has yet to make any progress in learning to speak dog? I mean, put in some effort here Mama. You want to be pawsonal assistant, then you’ve got to meet me halfway.
It’s like you don’t even care.
Finally, the Felix (who has no sense of subtlety) just walked right up to Miss Totally-Oblivious-to-the-Plight-of-the-Dogs-Around-Her and batted at her arm until she was like “What do you want?!”
He went straight to the mentally-abusive leash hooks, sat down beneath them and gave her the look.
You know the look. The one that says “For woof sakes, I thought you were never going to get the picture. What do I need to do, draw a picture for you?!”
She finally “got the memo”, even though I told her so many times that I felt like I was working at Innotech and discussing cover sheets on TPS reports. After just just 90 short minutes of badgering, she hauled her butt up off the couch and took me for my walk. Of course, since I had exhausted myself trying to channel my inner Lassie and “speak” to the Mama, I was really too tired to enjoy it. I didn’t even pull on the leash. What a waste of a walk.
If that women keeps these kind of shenanigans up, I’m going to have to replace her.
- Exceptional personal chef
- Mad Computer Skillz
- Large, squishy lap for snuggling
- Fluent in canine
- Not a total woofing doughhead, like the current position holder
The Mama holds only one of the above criteria and it’s not the one you think. *cough cough*.
Anyone out there want to apply?
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