Let’s just start this out by saying this:
It was NOT my fault.
You have to believe me. It the Dog’s honest truth. the Mama is being woofing ridiculous about the whole thing, frankly. I mean really? It’s not that big of a deal. Just a slight miscommunication that led to a very small accident. The way she’s wailing you’d think I that I was caught chewing on her funny bone or something! I’m getting ahead of myself though. You don’t even know what happened yet. I should tell you what happened.
Today, like every day, the Mama got out of bed, served us a cold, uninspired meal of bone-in raw chicken pieces and veggies and went off to pursue her love affair with that Job fellow.
I mean, I’m certain that is where the day got off track. Breakfast. I mean really? Would it kill her to put a little effort into my day? Maybe marinated my chicken? Concoct some sort of tasty, early morning side dish? Present my breakfast with a little flair??You can never go wrong with jerky treats as a bowl garnish, just saying, Mama, but no. Not this one. I get served my chicken cold, raw, and dumped in my bowl with absolutely no fanfare. Just like my breakfast everyday.
I had to bite back my disappointment.
Mostly because if the Mama doesn’t at least feel like shes doing a good job feeding me, what else does she have?? I feel sad for her that she doesn’t relish this job as much as I think she should. Off she went to work and I settled in for a long day of being me. (It’s the most awesome thing to do and I get to do it all day every day, suckas.) WHat did I do all day? That’s between me, Fe and the furniture, but I will tell you that it involved a whole lot of laying in the sunny spots. Well, you know what they say about time flying, so before you know it I hear the Mama’s key turn in the lock.
She looked like the Job fellow had beaten her. She was dishevelled. Dark circles under the eyes. Wild hair. Incoherent mumbling about something called “Hump Day”? It wasn’t a good look for her. That wouldn’t be a good look on anyone. She looked like a mountain troll, all squitchy and crabby.
I launched into my best “Kolchak Puggle the Clown” impression.
I don’t want rub my own belly here, but I am the best clown puggle around. I’m not one of those stupid clowns like the weirdos in the wigs and the funny nose, no no. I have standards. If you didn’t know I was the best clown around, you might even miss it.
You don’t want to miss it. I’m amazing.
I have some awesome tricks like making treats disappear (he he he), and somehow I get that whole “I’m a clown” message across without so much as a drop of white make up. I was performing my death defying staircase leap of faith, where I get so excited the Mama is home that I launch myself off the landing steps, seemingly float through the air and land gracefully in the Mama’s arms.
It was a lesson in who to trust, if nothing else.
the Mama evidentally can not be trusted. She dropped me. She dropped me like a hot potato, then, instead of apologizing, she tried to show me up by doing some sort of “tuck & roll” manoeuver. That’s right, the Mama went tail over tea kettle down the stairs. She didn’t even have the performer’s mind to end on a high note. She curled up on the floor in pain. Personally, I would have ended with some kind of “jazz hands” finish. I think it just adds that extra je ne sais quoi? I bet this never happens at Cirque du Soleil. I was crushed. I know have a fear of death defying acts.
Apparently, it’s all about her because here she is, hours later, still whining about it.
I can just say that this Job guys had better be nicer to her tomorrow or I’m going to bite him in the butt. How do you cheer up your humans after a rough day at the office? Anyone else hurt/injure/maim their humans sometimes??
the Mama’s Note: I am fine. Absolutely fine. I was a little stiff, but no lasting damage was done. To me. That puggle of mine has another think coming! Effective immediately, if the stairs are inhabited by a human, they are to be dog free. He can sit at the bottom and wait until I’m all the way up. Seriously! I thought we dealt with this jumping problem years ago?! What gets into that boy????