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As the Mama was wandering around the interwebz last week, she came across this post from Baby Gizmo.
She laughed herself silly and couldn’t help but think that preparing for a new dog was not altogether different from preparing for one of those tiny humans. It seems that the people who have never prepared for a puppy just don’t realize how much WORK it’s going to be. Puppies don’t come out of the box as handsome, respectful and well behaved as I, Kolchak Puggle, did, you know! It seems to us that a whole lot of novice dog owners are doing the same things to prepare.
These are the Mama’s tips to help prepare for a canine addition to your house.
Head to your local pet store and try to choose a food. Curse yourself for thinking it can be done with out a degree in veterinary nutrition and advanced level training in debunking all the slick marketing.
Solicit pet food advice from friends and be amazed by how wildly varied and passionate your friends are about the dog’s breakfast. Regret asking the question as it spirals into an all out smack down with name calling, trash talking and animosity. Settle on a food that costs slightly less than your mortgage payment and is sure to displease most/all of your friends. Secretly avoid the friends who’s food advice you don’t take.
Head to the dog park and make a mental list of all the things you see that are wrong. Loudly complain to anyone who will listen about how:
- loud the dogs are
- how the wrestling is disruptive
- how rude it is for the muddy dog to shake off on you
- how ill mannered the other dogs are
Vow not to make the same mistakes with your dog.
Kiss your free time good bye. Practice for life post-puppy by:
- Arriving home from work and going for a walk
- Feeding the dog before you even think of your own dinner
- Starting your dinner
- Interrupt cooking to stop puppy from chewing the couch apart
- Go back to making dinner
- Stop cooking to rush puppy outside for a potty break
- wash hands and start cooking
- curse when you have to dash away, as the puppy that just went out is having an accident on the carpet
- Go back to cooking dinner
- Come back to burnt dinner. Toss it and order pizza.
- Go for another walk, so puppy can pee
- Put puppy in their crate and lay on the floor next to it, comforting them every time they whimper. Sleep there.
- Wake up every half hour all night so the puppy can pee. Return to your cozy nest on the floor.
- Go to work in a zombie like state. Answer all questions with a throaty “aaaarrrgrh!”
Repeat for months on end.
Pets are messy. Better get ready for it.
- Walking mud and dance all over your kitchen counter
- Roll a towel in something smelly at the park, then let it lay on your couch for a while.
- Order thousands of tiny string pieces and scatter them all over your clothes and carpet.
- Leave legos all over the floor. Step on them. (I swear deer antlers and Nylabones are just as bad as lego.)
Containing a puppy in a safe area so you can work is not easy. All puppies receive training from Houdini and are born with some knowledge of how to slip your confines. To practice, stand at the top of a large hill with a bag of marbles. Release the marble on the pavement and watch them scatter. If you can catch them all before they reach the bottom of the hill, then maybe you’re ready for a puppy.
Maybe you used to have nice things, but that was then, this is now. Prepare for your new puppy by finding all your favourite things and damaging them. A few ideas:
- Take steel wool and wreck up the toes and heels of all your shoes. Throw in a few puncture marks for good measure.
- Use a dull knife to hack chunks out of your coffee table legs, dresser knobs and any baskets you have.
- Unravel toilet paper all over the house. Shred cardboard and newspapers and just toss them throughout the house.
Let’s face it. Dogs can be gross. Get ready for it:
- Find something stinky in the yard and roll in it/roll a towel in it. Bring the towel in and allow the scent to pervade every part of the new house.
- Catch a small rodent or big and and stash it in your bed.
In the end, even with all the craziness, puppies tend to be loveable. (That’s why they’re so darn cute, you know?!) If you can get past those initial crazy puppy times, you probably have a best buddy for life.