Plants Don’t Cry When They Need Water

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We were on our walk tonight when a man and his girlfriend came over and were admiring how handsome I am.

Can you blame them, really? I mean, look at this face:

Cute. As. Woof.

As they walked away, we heard the guy negotiating with the girl. Seems he wanted to get a dog and she thought he couldn’t handle the responsibility.

Mama chuckled as the girl told the guy, “If you can keep a plant alive for a year, you can get a dog.”

Why did Mama chuckle? If that was a Casa de Kolchak rule, Mama would never ever have gotten a dog. She can’t keep a house plant alive to save her life. I’ve seen that woman kill a cactus. She says having a house plant is no test of whether you can care for a pet. I totally agree – here’s why:

1. Plants don’t cry when they need water. Dogs? Dogs will likely kick up a fuss when they want a drink or a snack. If you happen to have a puggle, they come with a built in, full volume alarm bell to make sure you know when they’re hungry.
   
2. Plants wont hog your bed. Let’s face it, no matter how big your bed is, chances are the dog is going to hog it. Super stretchiness is a canine super power. A plant will in no way prepare you to sleep balanced on the 2″ strip along the edge of the bed.
3. Plants don’t give you “the eyes” when they want to play. In fact, playing with plants is hazardous. Try throwing a tennis ball at one and see what happens. Awful.
4. Plants don’t shed on your pants – or on you’re anything really. If they do, well I think you might have killed it because Mama’s house plants only shed leaves when she’s forgotten to feed & water them. Having houseplants does not prepare you for lint rolling hair off everything you own.
5. House plants don’t bark at the neighbours. Even when they come home late. And drunk. And stomping on the floor…like our neighbours did yesterday.(I barked and then Mama gave ME trouble. Um, excuse me? They started it.)
6. I’ve never seen a house plant hump someone’s leg. They don’t even try it. They just sit there, in their pot, being boring. I’m glad Mama can’t keep any alive. They’re not any fun at all.

I feel bad for the guy who I doubt is getting a dog.

Truth be told, when Mama adopted Felix, she may not have been responsible enough. She made some mistakes, but having a dog and wanting to be the best human she could for that dog? That’s what made her a responsible pet owner.

She still can’t keep a plant alive though.