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Casa de Kolchak is being pummeled by wind and rain, as the dregs of Hurricane Ana wash up on the BC shores.
I’m not going to lie…it’s pretty wet and gross out there. The good new is that after 7 years of practice, I pretty much have this whole walking dogs in the rain thing down to a science.
Since I know walking dogs in the rain can be a real pain in the tail, I’m sharing our 86 Easy Steps to Walking Dogs in the Rain.
I’m a giver like that.
1. Realize your dog needs to go outside. Watch for tell tale signs like whining like a child and trying to claw your arm off.
2. Glance out the window and realize it is woofing pouring. *shudder* Is it Spring yet?
3. Avoid making eye contact with the dog and go back to what you’re doing, secretly hoping your dog will forget they need to go out.
4. Turn up the TV to drown out the whining.
5. Accept that your dog isn’t going to give up on this whole “bathroom break” idea.
6. Look out the window again, hoping for a miraculous change in weather. Curse freely when you realize it’s actually worse.
7. Contemplate moving to a hotter, drier climate. I hear Vegas is nice.
8. Change into your dog walking jeans. You know, the one’s you’ve sprayed with waterproof tent spray.
9. Ask dogs if they want to go or a walk.
10. Laugh at this face:
11. Get out dog coats. Yes, I dress up my dogs. #SorryImNotSorry
12. Chase puggle. He doesn’t want to wear his coat. I don’t want to spend all night with a damp puggle who smells like wet dog.
13. Win fight about coat. Remove harness, put on coat, then add harness on top.
14. Clip on light up doo-mahickey. It’s dark out there, yo. Black sky and black dogs are a bad mix.
15. Call Fluffy dog.
16. Fight with Fluffy dog about whether or not Froggy can come on your wet rainy walk.
17. Hide Frog in laundry room and wrassle Fluff into his coat.
18. Chase Fluff as he makes a break for the living room and Stinky Yak.
19. Fight with Felix about whether or not Dirty Stinky Yak can come on the wet rainy walk. I’m getting tired of this BS.
20. Why the woof aren’t we out of the house yet? Does it take everyone this long to get it together?!
21. Put on Fe’s harness.
22. Clip rainproof leashes onto the harnesses. Wait? Where did the leashes go?
23. Curse freely and chide yourself for not hanging them on the leash hooks…again.
24. Vow to become tidier.
25. Locate one leash in the bedroom and the other in the living room.
26. Pack dog walking bag – poop bags, microfiber cloth, treats, cell phone, keys and umbrella.
27. Put on rubber boots and waterproof jacket.
28. Note that jacket has only been worn for a week, but already has a “damp smell”. Make mental note to forget to wash jacket on the weekend.
29. Unlock door and head out into the hallway.
30. Realize that you forgot to put a glowing light doo-mahickey on Felix.
31. Go back inside.
32. Clip light on and leave again.
33. Allow dogs to wrap leashes around your ankles as you lock the do0r.
34. Nearly trip. Curse freely and remind dogs that if you die a terrible dog walking death, no one will ever spoil them like you do.
35. Watch as Felix shakes off his light doo-mahickey. Curse. Third one this year. How the woof does he keep doing that?!
36. MacGuyver the light onto a spare keychain ring and attach it back to his collar. Dare him to shake it off again.
37. Ride the elevator.
38. Shout “KOLY OFF” as he tried to gobble up a mystery snack off the elevator floor.
39. Reconcile yourself to the fact that, whatever it was, it’s gone now.
40. Hope that he doesn’t throw up. There’s nothing worse than dog vomit in the morning.
41. For woof sakes, we aren’t even outside yet. Why is this elevator so slow?!
42. FINALLY get to the outside door. Feel someone “put on the brakes” and refuses to go out. It’s Felix. That dog thinks he’s made of sugar or something. Spoiler alert: he’s not.
43. Get out treats to bribe Felix to leave the building.
44. Direct Puggle to do four tricks to earn one treats. Request that Felix “be fluffy”. He doesn’t do tricks. Yes, there is a double standard for behaviour at our house. I mean really, can YOU tell this face “no”?
If you answered “YES” to that question, can you tell me how?
45. Unfold umbrella. Curse freely as it catches a gust of wind and turns inside out. It’s cool. I’ll just get drenched.
46. Walk two blocks.
47. Curse freely and shout “Koly off” as he lunges for a half eaten cheeseburger. WHO DROPS HALF A CHEESEBURGER?!
48. Keep walking. Get splashed by a bus as it turns the corner.
49. Make a mental note to thank the person who taught you about waterproof tent spray and jeans.
50. Realize that you forgot to turn on your dog walking app that raises funds for rescues. It’s been two days and you’ve already forgotten. It’s raining too hard to press the buttons on your phone. Reconcile yourself to being a failure at dog walking apps and life.
51. Shake your head in dismay and disgust as one or both of your dogs try to stop in the middle of an intersection to shake.
52. Stand under a waterfall of rain streaming off a building as the puggle circles one-two-three-four times, squats and SQUIRREL!
53. Try not to fall over as the puggle attempts to dislocate your should. Curse freely.
54. Hear rustling.
55. Watch as the Fluff shoves himself as far under a bush as possible. Note that the bush looks both wet and sticky.
56. Contemplate getting him a giant hamster ball to keep him from getting things in his hair.
57. Realize that he’s back under that bush crapping.
58. Attempt to pick up the poop. Poke self in the eye with bush.
59. Curse freely.
60. Wish this wretched walk was over. How did we get 7 blocks from home? This was supposed to be a short walk.
61. Walk two block, as your glasses fog up and get coated with rain droplets, simultaneously. Why aren’t windshield wipers for glasses a thing?
62. Stand in a mud puddle (thank woof for rubber boots) as the puggle turns in circles once-twice- three times…and this is not the spot. What in the ever loving woof is his criteria for choosing?
63. Meet another dog.
64. Do the three way leash dance. Realize the other dog’s Flexileash is not locked as he runs circles around your ankles. Curse freely. I hate those leashes.
64. Purposefully walk in an opposite direction as that dog. You don’t need to get into a flexileash related argument today.
65. Realize that Fe’s light has gone out. Make a mental note to forget to pick up a new battery.
66. Roll eyes at “don’t let your dog poop on my lawn sign” in front of the 65+ building. Reality check old folks. The City owns the first foot and a half of this property. As long as we stay on this side of the fire hydrant, you can quit giving me the stink eye.
67. Realize my dog is never going to poop anyways. He circles again and walks. This is not the spot. I’m starting to doubt the spot even exists.
68. Keep walking. Contemplate our route home. Choices include going past the house with the two small, yappy dogs that do. not. stop. barking., past the house with the three large, angry sounding dogs and the large, thin single pane windows that they hurtle themselves against and through the creepy, poorly lit parking lot that looks like the opening scene from a horror movie. Opt for the two small yappy dogs.
69. Groan in exasperation as the puggle finds the spot and unceremoniously squats without a single turn…right in front of the yappy dog’s yard.
70. Pick up and throw the bag in a nearby trash can. Recoil in horror as you hear a loud SQUEAK and rustling from within. HURRY AWAY.
71. Try to rush the rest of the walk home. Try not to be impatient as the Felix stops to smell (and pee on) every. single. bush. FELIX! You have no pee left! NONE. This is a waste of both our lives!
72. Curse karma as the rain doubles in intensity. Mother Nature is clearly on Felix’s side. Good to know.
73. Arrive home and stop outside the doors or in the parkade.
74. Shrug of drenched jacket at first opportunity.
74. Bend down to dry off wet paws with microfibre cloth.
75. Curse freely as the puggle shakes, soaking your dry shirt from head to toe.
76. Take elevator upstairs.
77. Throw up hands in exasperation as dogs immediately take off when the door is opened, still wearing their sopping wet coats.
78. Retrieve the puggle from the bed and the fluff from the couch.
79. Deflect “death stares”
80. Towel off puggle.
81. Laugh as shenanigans immediately commence: rolling, jumping, shaking.
82. Towel off fluff.
83. Obtain second towel. He’s really fluffy and, did I mention, soaked to the skin?
84. Give up on the towel and pull out the blow dryer. Blow dry dog.
85. Peel off your own wet clothes and deposit them, immediately, into the washer, along with the two wet dog coats. Forget to turn it on.
86. Wipe down & collars with towel. Thank your lucky stars again that they are waterproof.
87. Brush your own wet hair. Consider blow drying it. Decide against it. It’s too much work.
88. Put on cozy, warm pjs and relax on the couch, satisfied that you and your dogs managed a mile and a half walk in the pouring rain.
89. Realize that there are still 9 more months of wet weather dog walks to get through. Pour another glass of wine. You’re going to need it.
And there you have it! Walking Your Dogs in the Rain in just 89 simple steps!
Do you walk in the rain? Any tips for us?