I Vacuum My Bathtub (and Other Confessions of a Dog Mom)

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As a Dog Mom, sometimes you find yourself doing things you just never imagined.

I’m not talking about kissing an adorable little dog snout or sharing your bed. Those things are kind of expected, once you achieve “Crazy Dog Lady” status. I’m talking about the completely nutzoid things I do just to get through every day life with dogs. The things normal people just kind of give you a blank stare for when you tell them about something that is totally normal at Casa de Kolchak.

For example, I vaccuum my bathtub.

OK, I know it sounds nuts, but hear me out. Kolchak has this ridiculous shedding problem. The boy may look all sleek and shiny, but he projectile sheds. Ohmiwoof you guys, Dog forbid he gets a bit stressed because then his hair falls out by the handful. SO MUCH FUR. For some reason, all this fur is drawn to the bathtub like a moth to a flame. I have tried everything you guys. If you have some magic trick to get the fur off the tub, I sure wish you would share it with me because in desperation, I’m using the dusting brush attachment to vacuum the tub.

Or how about this gem: sometimes I lint roll my carpet.

This one is all on Felix. He doesn’t shed much, but when he does, it’s this super fine flyaway hair that somehow seems to evade the vacuum. Plus, if you happen to miss a bit of fur, one of two things will happen:

A. The fur will roll itself into a tumbleweed, making it look like you haven’t cleaned since Kolchak was in Puppy Party classes

B. The fur works its way down into the carpet and the jaws of life couldn’t get that fur out.

Lint roller to the rescue! I buy those suckers by the case and they’re worth every penny.

Sometimes, I…um…sometimes I eat dog treats.

In my defense, I make some really tasty dog treats and most of them are human friendly. I have a weakness for a few of our treats: the peanut butter banana bread is pretty tasty, the gingerbread pupcakes aren’t half bad and I have a weakness for partially cooked meat chewies.

Sometimes, I try bargaining with my dogs.

They’re either brutal negotiators or I am terrible at it. Still, I’ll try to barter with Felix.

“Felix, if you stay in bed for 10 more minutes, we’ll go for an extra walk today!”

“If you cool your jets until after I’ve eaten, you can have a whole egg, Kolchak.”

“I just want to finish this chapter and then we’ll walk to the Elemental Canine and get you a treat, I swear!”

If Kol sticks his tongue in my glass of milk, I don’t always get a new one.

Sometimes I make those little white potatoes just so that I can pretend to “drop” one for Felix. I once bought a whole display of rubber squeaky balls because they were Kol’s favourite (and he decided he hated them the next day). I’ve had entire conversations with Felix’s stuffed toys.  My dogs have more coats than I do. I spend $9/lb on non-medicated elk for Felix, but I balk at buying myself a good cut of steak.

Alright, your turn you guys. Make me feel better about being utterly nuts. What’s your confession?