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In fact, it was a no-mischief weekend too. The Mama was absolutely no fun this weekend. She was boring as woof. I’m thinking of trading her in for one of those new models that dispenses snacks. I hear good things about those new models.Besides, the human is have is broken.
No seriously. This woman is broke-down. She’s like a cheap foreign car. You can’t get the obscure parts you need to fix it and none of the mechanics know how to work on it anyways. It’s time to ditch the square and trade up. Where exactly does one drop off their unwanted person? Is there a Humane Society for humans? No?! You man I’m STUCK with this one? I see. Well in that case, I might as well share with you my tips for dealing with a sick human, seeing as how I’ll need to keep on practicing them.
1. Get your nap on. Sick humans sleep a ridiculous amount. The Mama slept more than I could handle this weekend and I’m a dog. Sleeping is practically a sport for me. It takes twice as long for a sick human to recharge. Plan your naps carefully to preserve mealtimes.
2. Watch the snacks. A sick human is apt to discard all diets at the first sniffle. Stay close at hand. Many snacks are suitable for sharing with dogs. In their weakened state, sick humans have been known to forget that I am not allowed to eat Cheetos. Ahhhh, the cheesy taste of forbidden foods.
3. Keep them immobile. Between naps, sick humans often succumb to “stir crazy” syndrome and feel like they should be “doing something”. This something is always wholly inappropriate, like cleaning the rain gutters or painting the bathroom. Sick humans apparently think they can do anything. (Anything except go three hours without a nap, apparently.) It is your responsibility to keep them down. My preferred method is to curl up on the Mama’s chest. She wouldn’t dare wake me up. Under no circumstances should your sick human be allowed to leave the house. There slow, sickly shambling gait is likely to cause mass pandemonium and a shot to the head as locals believe she is patient 0 of the zombie apocalypse. Keep her in side; there’s no need to go scaring the villagers.
4. Keep them entertained. A bored human is absolute torture to be around. They’re fidgety and devious. Watch the like a hawk. bored human will keep trying to distract you to sneak off and do things they can barely do when they’re well, like organize the storage room and keep up with the laundry. A steady diet of daytime trash tv, the food network and pithy rom coms is just what the doctor ordered.
5. Sick humans are whiny. You have no idea. All I have heard from this one all woofing weekend long is “I’m itchy!”, “I’m hot”, “I’m uncomfortable”, “Kol ate my sandwich”. It’s enough to dive a sane dog mad (and it was egg salad, so it’s not like I enjoyed eating it.) There is nothing you can do about a whiny human, except make witty, deprecating jokes at her expense (much in the style of Dr. House, who at this point, I think Mama would welcome a sarcastic insult from, in the hope that maybe he could figure out what’s wrong with her.) Frankly, the Daddy (that lucky dog) had the right idea and he spent all weekend at the barn.
Not this dog. I know my duty.
I stayed right by the Mama’s whiny, cry-baby, itchy butt. At least there’s Cheetos. I’m grateful for that.
How do you help your human when they are sick?