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A bedtime Fairytale: Bed Hog Rhymes with Dog

A bedtime Fairytale: Bed Hog Rhymes with Dog

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If you’re not familiar with our ongoing Bedtime Fairytale, you might want to check out Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV

No matter what, I just can’t win, you guys.

There aren’t a whole lot of perks to being a single dog owner, particularly if one of your dogs has separation anxiety that sucks all the air out of the room. You have to walk at night, alone, in the dark, even when it’s raining. You can’t go out without a dog sitter. All your expendable income is considered “dog money”. Dog forbid you bring someone home! (Not like that you guys. Gee, get your mind out of the gutter. I mean like, for dinner.) Holy woof! The sniff down visitors get? It’s not cool. My dogs are a bunch of judgey jerks.

The one fringe benefit was that I was sure I would finally get a full spot in the bed.

It only makes sense right? A queen size is a WHOLE LOT OF BED for one girl and two 20-odd pound dogs. There ought to be enough space for me to have a full spot with plenty of room left over for those little bed hogs to sprawl out. IT WAS MY TIME! I was finally going to get a spot!

I could not have been more wrong.

Kolchak is a real jerk. He has a new favourite spot and nothing can convince him to move. I mean, sure, I can pick him up and move him, but the looks I get you guys! Talk about if looks could kill. Still, his choice of spot is pure cheek. At bed time I make sure the door is locked and that there is dog food defrosting in the fridge. By the time I hit the bedroom, this has happened:

cartoon dog in the centre of the bed


He picks the dead centre. He can’t choose a spot, he has to take a little of ALL the spots. He even rolls over and stretches out trying to take up as much space as he can. I have no idea how he does it, but every night around bedtime, he seems to double in size.

By the time Felix gets in and rearranges the pillows more to his liking (ie. all over the place), I’m left with whatever corner I can pretzel myself into. These are a few of my favourites.

The Edge Perch

I love the way I am half asleep and half holding on for dear life. It’s sooooooo restful. not.



The Footer

Nothing says “I am a dignified human” like curling up at the foot of the bed like you’re a dog. As an added bonus, if I’m lucky I can smack my face on the foot board. Awesome.




If I bend my knees just right and curl up as small as I can, I can just about fit on the corner. You just have to be careful because your pillow keeps falling off the bed in this spot. As the pillow slowly slips off, chances are your head will start to slip too. The head rush from hanging half off the bed is strangely exhilarating.



Contrary to how it looks, this is a good spot.  you know why? It comes with covers! There’s no chance of falling off! It’s like the best spot ever!! I LOVE THIS SPOT!



Well, not the best spot. The best spot would be if I could have an ACTUAL spot on the bed, just to myself. Maybe some covers and a whole pillow.

I’m pretty sure that’s a pipe dream though.

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sandy weinstein

Thursday 6th of February 2014

yep i have the same problem, i have 3 girls. my oldest used to push me out of bed, i ended up on the floor many times, and i have a high bed, they all have to sleep under the covers.


Saturday 1st of February 2014

Oh my very funny cheered me up! My dog just doesn't snuggle?


Wednesday 29th of January 2014

Haha!! I'm sorry to laugh at your discomfort, but those cartoons are hilarious! I'm in sort of a weird pinned-in position myself. Coop has himself wrapped around m y legs, and Newt sleeps on my stomach. I can't move left or right, though I suppose I should be grateful I'm not hanging off the edge...

Dawn Ross

Wednesday 29th of January 2014

LOL! Maya used to be allowed on the bed before I met my husband. She was definitely a bed hog. I could get her to move so I could go to bed, but then she'd just lay on top of me instead.

Linda Szymoniak

Wednesday 29th of January 2014

I'm in the diagonally category, but then again, I have four Treeing Walker Coonhounds who share my full-sized bed. The biggest one, Seiji, insists on curling up on the top of one side of the bed (the one against the wall) and my pillows are on the top of the other half. Kyoko curls up next to him, although since Seiji will typically jump off the bed anywhere from half an hour later until we get up in the morning (typically within a couple of hours of us going to bed) she will then stretch out along that side. My Kenji stretches out along that same side of the bed, but at the bottom. He will literally hug my feet with his paws and lay his head on them. My deaf girl, Ran, is the smallest of our pack and she insists on sleeping on the other side of me, curled up and insisting that her butt be up against my butt. To give her room, I have to angle my legs over towards Kenji. I wish I had a Queen sized bed! The very positive part about all this is that even during the Polar Vortex, I don't even need a blanket on me at night - just a sheet. I have a living, breathing blanket of dogs all snuggled up against me. I can see why the shepherds used their dogs for warmth - in my case lately it's been a case of many four dog nights.


Wednesday 29th of January 2014

LOL, the other day I saw this cartoon about tossing another dog on the bed for warmth. Oh how I wish I could find it right now!

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